A give up rant

Ahhh. Reset tools are not working.

I like stuff that soften hard hearts. 

Right now I think the heart is hard (alert: prepare to fall hard).

I think (hope) I am close to getting a good enough job offer and I am neglecting interview preparation for a possibly very good job. Sigh.

I have no more spirit. No more energy. It has been two weeks. 10 days worth of annual leave! How am I going to survive when I get back to work?

I just want to give up and maybe not exist.

I have not been exercising/practicing the spiritual disciplines. I think this lethargy is one of the consequences.

Give up. Give up. Give up. If only I never existed. I would not have to go through all this pain and struggle. It is not a fight I have chosen to be in. I know this struggle, this fight is normal. But I never chose to be in the normal.

Perhaps by writing these negative thoughts down, thoughts might become clearer. Maybe?

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In a story, there should be  a beginning, a conflict, the fight, and a good ending/conclusion.

I don't even want to write or think through things to write a good story.

I just want to give up.

To give up on giving thanks. To give up on trying to turn things around without anyone else's support. To give up on finding a better way to work and learn. To give up on this job search. To give up on entertaining or encouraging or listening to the people around me. To give up on looking for inspiration. To give up on friends and family and everything.

I'm just so tired I want to give up so much of the time.

Patience they say. Perseverance they say. Maybe not they say, but I say.

No.

Actually.

The Lord said so.

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Should I keep trying just because the Lord said so?

Some part of me says that this journey is an adventure. That each day is a gift, a new way to spend time - whether on entertainment (I liked watching Revolutionary Love recently... a lot of the underlying values, the rich/poor cultural dissonance, the senior management and average employee work relationship, the covering for colleagues' vulnerabilities, the mini-miracles, the team spirit - resonates with the real stories I heard or experienced. ) or on work and people.

I just feel like there's no possibly happy future for me. I look around, and I am like, nope, I don't really want any of these things.

Sometimes I wish I took up that earlier job offer - would have provided some financial security, would have received a senior HR manager's mentoring advice.

I have no desire for the startup job, though it paid better.

I think I am just very elitist.

But anyone who has tasted good stuff, just don't want to go back to the bad stuff.

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I'll go take a shower, and maybe try to rewire my obviously flawed thinking.

Sometimes, it just feels like no one is going to help me rewire.

Or those that do, may not help in the best way.

I suppose that's why I am supposed to figure things out - in a way that fits my story.

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Tired. Shower. Be right back. Maybe.

Fairness

It is funny how people like to call a person a fanatic just because they can quote Bible verses in a heartbeat.

It is funny how people who call others imposing are imposing their own views on others, without much explanation.

It is funny how people call others rude, when they are twice as rude for ignoring polite requests altogether.

It takes hard work for relationships to work.

It os funny how people complain so many things are impossible without even trying, without putting any effort to think of solutions.

It takes disciplone to work out a solution.

Being quiet can pour cold water on a fire.
But in a room with stagnant water, over time, pests breed and infest. Water levels rise. The problem becomes a serious one.

Its funny how some people pretend everything is fine, when in fact it isnt.

They say to go fast go alone. To go far go together.

Then i need the people to grow up and no longer behave likr babies. They need to step up into shoes meant for them to grow into.

Thankful for Olafur Arnalds

I don't understand why Jesus would die for useless, despicable people: others and myself included.
Sure, He put people in different socio-economic contexts, different genes, different blah blah blah. Whatever, it does not make it any more acceptable.

Rarhhhh. I feel so much frustration and hate recently.

That said, to quote a friend, empathy is probably an antidote against limbo-like frustration.
While I think there are friends who will identify with me, I am too tired to reach out and explain, and perhaps be understood at least emotionally, and perhaps find a better solution to the situation.

That said, I thank God for accessible music. I thank God for people who are so creative with composing music that just enables me to feel what some might call a cathartic release. At the moment, thank God for Olafur Arnalds and the Spotify team.

I remember talking about how much I preferred happy media. Yet in the darker moments, simply hearing this sort of dark and bleak music, reminds me that it's okay to feel so terrible and monstrous at times.

--
Today's interviews were not the best.
In the first, I think I accidentally used too many generalization statements.
In the second, I think I could've tied back my answers to her questions more frequently, especially in the one with the HR.
In both, I think I could have used more concrete examples to substantiate my points. In both, I could have come in with a more energetic, positively happy tone, even if it is faked. After all that's what Sheryl Sandberg talked a lot about, how even faking the mood makes that mood even more possible.

That reminds me of Tim Keller's saying of loving even when one does not feel like loving.

Hmmm. Still. ARGH.

Ah well. I shall finish my review on these interview experiences soon. And then get back on track to applying for more good roles - with passion, especially after reading J's encouraging note on sticking to the ideals - not for self even though the self is very much a part of it, but for the ideal of serving a larger purpose, strategically. 

--

Sigh. The irony of needing to back up all of the things I do, and needing to change the way I am.
And knowing when to simply shut up and act. Or shut up and let things be.
When all others do not, in some cases do not even try, to simply make things better in this broken and difficult world.

--

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
- Romans 8:28

--
Perhaps a difference that Olafur Arnalds' music has, compared to other dark music which I appreciate relatively less, is that it does end on a slightly positive note: a hint of a hope that never dies, even if it is mixed with a lot of sadness. I think that's the tone of how Jesus died, in remembering how He cried at His death, compared to the others who have more happily, willingly sacrificed themselves.

I fear I'll never grasp it, how He loves, how He remains patient, how He never gives up on the stupid, annoying people, like myself, whom He created.

Behavior

Did the mind catch up with the body in growing up?
Don't be fooled by how you look.

--

What we should do isn't necessarily what we want to do.
What we finally want to do is what we should do.

--

Think long term vs. short term.

We begin and journey with the end in mind.

---

A friend once called me irresponsible.
I waved/laughed it off.
After all, I 'couldn't' change that bad habit.

But it hurt sharply.
Because it was so true.
And the latter part, false.

Irresponsibility and immaturity are highly correlated.

--

I just realized i used the word "angsty" inappropriately too many times.
Last year I was filled with angst.
Now it has diminished, thank goodness.

---

Now, I shall convert my wrath into positive energy by studying v

Oh shit.

Shit #1:

When one regards another as a close/pretty-good friend, and the other doesn't.

And I didn't see this friend off.
Or ask if this friend was leaving.

Sorry.

To make up for it, I shall try to give a warm welcome back.

Shit #2:

Time management!
Avalanche of assignments due and revision and exams! :S

Shit #3:

Shits than can't be said. :(

Shit #4:

The one and only foul word (besides stupid) that I use quite too often is shit. I have to start reducing it. It sounds so shitty. (Working on it after this post)

I'm an authentic queen

My brain is working at an awesomely sl-o-w speed, that even snails will sigh at me.

If they don't sigh, they complain.

Observations
1. I can't absorb during lectures, I have to read my notes/readings after lectures to understand, and I take a long time at that.
2. I take super long to complete my tutorials.
3. I'm like a small kid who needs extremely specific instructions during a basketball game, defense and offense tactics aren't instinctive to me. Too many moving people = too many volatile variables => makes me confused. Keeping too many changing variables in mind is also not my thing. Spontaneity oh spontaneity.
4. In debate, I seem to take +3 seconds to think compared to everyone else.
5. I remember how even in organ class, a long time ago, Ms Cheong said: "If other people take half a second to get it, Wei Yong will take 2 seconds to get it! If she takes 1 second, it's wonderful!"
6. In conversations, especially group conversations, I tend to wander off at a thought, and take too long to return to the dialogue, that I take 3 seconds to give .. no, not a proper response.. but a "Huh?".


Perhaps... no, definitely... this is why I'm the reigning "Blur Queen".


On a sidenote, I'm extremely happy that hall people haven't called me blur much.
YESSS! I have successfully kept my regal characteristics concealed.

On an endnote, 2nd sem does not look good.

Rants - Closure for US applications

I've written about an introduction to US undergrad education for my juniors in the acjcboleh blog. It's more like a consolidation of links. hahha. Oh well, why write when there're so many authors who've said it well? :p

Btw, recently, the Wall Street Journal got 10 university presidents to answer their own admission essay questions. I SOOOOO wish I read this to have a better glimpse of essay-writing... oh well..

List of essays:

1. Barnard College's Debora Spar on daily routines
2. Carleton College's Robert A. Oden Jr. on getting lost -- and found -- in Cairo
3. Grinnell College's Russell K. Osgood on a historical figure that has influenced him
4. Oberlin College's Marvin Krislov on a historical figure that has influenced him
5. Pomona College's David Oxtoby on an experience that was 'just plain fun'
6. Reed College's Colin Diver on an experience in diversity
7. The University of Chicago's Robert J. Zimmer on "Living the Question"
8. University of Pennsylvania's Amy Gutmann on her autobiography
9. Vassar College's Catharine Hill on an influential person in her life
10. Wesleyan University's Michael S. Roth on an influential person in his life

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*On second thought, few of the above are nice. Oh wellz. Read urself to figure out which is nice.

No. I'm not sharing mine. not now, at least.

-

After all the stress put into the essays, the SAT exams, the money, the timeee, the mind bogglement, i only got waitlisted at three places. and i just submitted a sucky letter to two of them. and a pretty good one to one of them. but, chances are like 1%? sigh. oh wellz. might as well count it as zero.

oh well, life goes on. i've been blessed and good in some ways too.

look forward, i will.