Living my default, and not seeking His face

"Most lives are lived by default. You are not unhappy. You are just bored and you don’t even realize it"

:(

Seeking His Face

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to behold the beauty of the Lord
    and to meditate in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/what-does-it-mean-to-seek-the-lord

Take who seriously

" ...take no one seriously except God. You may find that the first person you must be the most critical with, as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself."

~ Oswald Chambers,
in Utmost for His Highest

 

 

Indeed, I do find myself the most inconsistent person in the world.



Thankfully God is better than expected.

Progress

We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.

~ C. S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

All that is gold does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

~ J. R. R. Tolkien in his fantasy novel The Lord of the Rings.

Ender's Game Quote

"In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. "

I found the Ender's Game film quite simplistic and problematic in logic. Then again, most fiction stories are made simplistic to highlight particular features or issues.
Nevertheless, I like the quote above, which resonates with me.
That said, we're called to love people the way God loves, not only/necessarily in the way people love themselves.

Ray Dalio and the Economy

Articles: Why God chose, charity and affection, dragons and holiness

Haha. This post is for archiving some good posts:

1. Why doesn't God save everyone even though He loves everyone?

Not everyone will believe the gospel. Why?

“God desires all people to be saved,” 1 Timothy 2:4 tells us. “God does not take pleasure in the death of anyone,” Ezekiel 18:32 says. Then why are there some who refuse to trust in Jesus and therefore die lost in their sins?

There are two different answers to this question.

But we should understand that these two answers go beyond making sense of God’s will of decree and will of command. Those “two wills” in God describe a biblical distinction that’s been expressed various ways in the Scriptures and throughout the centuries. God’s “two ways of willing,” writes John Piper, “implies that God decrees one state of affair while also willing and teaching that another state of affairs should come to pass” (Does God Desire All to Be Saved?, 16). This means that though God desires all people to be saved (his “will of command”), only those chosen in Christ will believe the gospel and be saved (his “will of decree”). But true as it is, this explanation still falls short of getting to the why. Why is this the case? Why does God not decree all that he prescribes?

And here is where we face those two different answers.

One answer is that there is something more powerful than God that is able to frustrate his will. It says that God is nice to desire all people to be saved, but he doesn’t have the strength to make it happen. The second answer says, in Piper’s words, “God wills not to save all, even though he ‘desires’ that all be saved, because there is something else that he wills or desires more, which would be lost if he exerted his sovereign power to save all” (emphasis added, 39).

The second answer is one that both Calvinists and Arminians can affirm. Both say that God doesn’t save everyone because he is committed to something more than saving everyone. The difference between Calvinists and Arminians is seen in what that higher commitment is.

Piper explains,

The answer the Arminians give is that human self-determination and the possible resulting love relationship with God are more valuable than saving all people by sovereign, efficacious grace. The answer the Reformed give is that the greater value is the manifestation of the full range of God’s glory in wrath and mercy (Romans 9:22–23) and the humbling of man so that he enjoys giving all credit to God for his salvation (1 Corinthians 1:29). (39)

So one explanation says that the higher commitment is God leaving the destiny of our eternal souls up to our own decision-making. The higher commitment is God securing our right to let our choices be the decisive factor in where we spend eternity. The other explanation — the Calvinist answer — says that God’s higher commitment is the full display of his glory. God’s glory wins, which means that his just wrath is poured out on all unrighteousness, and his mercy is lavished on all whom he loves.

God’s highest commitment — beyond his moral will that all people everywhere repent —is that the full panorama of his glory shine forth. That glory is his mercy, grace, steadfast love and faithfulness, and his refusal to by no means clear the guilty . . . so that the vessels of his mercy might know the riches of his glory (Exodus 34:6–7; Romans 9:23).

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/god-s-glory-wins

2. On Charity and Affection

Though Christian charity sounds a very cold thing to people whose heads are full of sentimentality, and though it is quite distinct from affection, yet it leads to affection. The difference between a Christian and a worldly man is not that the worldly man has only affections or ‘likings’ and the Christian has only ‘charity’. The worldly man treats certain people kindly because he ‘likes’ them: the Christian, trying to treat every one kindly, finds himself liking more and more people as he goes on—including people he could not even have imagined him- self liking at the beginning.

This same spiritual law works terribly in the opposite direction. The Germans, perhaps, at first ill-treated the Jews because they hated them: afterwards they hated them much more because they had ill-treated them. The more cruel you are, the more you will hate; and the more you hate, the more cruel you will become — and so on in a vicious circle for ever.

Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.

From Mere Christianity
Compiled in A Year with C.S. Lewishttp://www.biblegateway.com/devotionals/cs-lewis-daily/2013/10/28

 3. On the Power of imagination

Dragons and Holiness

by Tony Reinke

The incredible imaginative power of the human mind connects us. If I mention standing ankle deep in the ocean, many of you can picture this image (and maybe feel the dizziness as you watch the water rush past your feet and back). Or if I mention the feeling of floating free under water in a swimming pool with eyes open, many of you know this feeling, too. Or if I mention the muffled silence that blankets a neighborhood in a thick snowstorm, you can probably imagine it. Thousands of other scenarios we can enjoy together. This is the work of our imagination.

The imagination is a necessary component for reading fiction books, nonfiction books, and, of course, for reading the Bible. God’s book engages our imaginations by the parables of Jesus, the poetry of the Psalms, the adages of the Proverbs, and, of course, the apocalyptic language of the prophets. But what makes human imagination even more incredible is how we experience in our minds things we did not, have not, or cannot experience ourselves. The book of Revelation is one example.

In Revelation, we read about the Son of Man dressed in a robe, with a voice like the great falls, and a two-edged sword for a tongue, with a face bright as the sun. Then we see a throne in heaven, surrounded by a rainbow of brilliant color, with lightning and thunder pealing off the throne. On each side of the throne are six-winged angelic creatures in flight, ceaselessly singing, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Rev. 4:8). Bowls are filled with the prayers of the saints. And a Lamb stands as though it had been slain, whose blood makes white.

Can you see all this in your imagination?

Then behold the dragons, full of power and rage. A red dragon with seven heads is followed by another beast that has a nasty scar on one of its seven heads and a mouth full of blasphemies calling forth for idolatrous worship on earth. And then there’s another beast that speaks like a dragon, with the power to command fire from heaven. Finally, there’s a scarlet beast on whom rides a woman, the mother of all prostitutes and sexual sin, carrying a cup of sexual immorality.

Late in the story, one breaks in on a white horse. The rider’s name is Faithful and True, and the Word of God, the King of kings and the Lord of lords. He makes war. Under His crown blaze eyes like a furnace. His robe drips with blood, and from His mouth He bears a sword to strike down beasts and rebels. He treads the winepress of God’s fury. The images of Christ permeate the book.

So why all this imagery?

Imagination is what one theologian calls “the power of synoptic vision” (Vanhoozer). It allows us to order the world, and to see things collected together as opposed to the fragmented way we typically perceive the world. Dragons embody evil. He who is called Faithful and True embodies holiness and justice. Revelation engages our imaginations until we see reality through radical images, images that push us past the dominant worldly ideologies we simply assume and naturally ingest daily just like the air we breathe.

The images in Revelation expose us to the world again, but they stun us in new and shocking ways. They break into our imaginations (sometimes with violence), but they also give to us new and alien ways of looking at the world that enable us to transcend our loud cultural environment. This cultural transcendence is possible because God has given us imaginations. Revelation works to purge and refurbish those imaginations, providing us with a profoundly fresh theological angle on the world that we have grown comfortable with. Here in Revelation, our imaginations are engaged to see the evil in this world, not as a scattered random acts of evil, but as a collective whole. By collecting the evil, we see the superiority of Christ over all. And we see that all victories of Christ over evil are tied directly to his death.

How do we respond to such imaginative literature? We read and heed. This is called forth at the beginning and end of the book (1:3; 22:7). Through the imagination, we are called to wake up and to put off lukewarmness. Revelation invites us to see ultimate reality through our imaginations in breathtaking, earth-scorching, mind-stretching, sin-defeating, dragon-slaying, Christ-centered, God-glorifying images intended to change the way we think, act, and speak.

Irrespective of the literal meaning of these imaginative dramas in Revelation, and irrespective of their literal timing and prophetic fulfillment, they remind us in stark images that the times are too evil and time is too short for us to slumber lazily. Our imaginations are stretched, awakened, and shocked from spiritual lethargy. Such is the life-altering power of imaginative imagery for those perceptive readers who understand our desperate need to see dragons.

http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/dragons-and-holiness/

Civil leadership

Reading this article, I am reminded about how good the government of Singapore is at serving her people.

Five youths awarded President's Scholarship 

• By Sharon See
• POSTED: 16 Aug 2013 23:07

SINGAPORE: Five young Singaporeans have been awarded the prestigious President's Scholarship this year.

They are Joshua Jesudason, Stephanie Siow, I Naishad Kai-ren, Timothy Yap and Scott Ang.

The scholarship is given to outstanding individuals who wish to take up a career in the Public Service.

They were picked by the Public Service Commission for their outstanding academic and co-curricular achievements, character, and leadership potential.

President Tony Tan Keng Yam reminded the scholars that they bear a heavy responsibility.

He said: "As recipients of the President's Scholarship, you bear a heavy responsibility. Your peers and fellow Singaporeans will look to you for such leadership to bring Singapore forward.

"Beyond excellence in your academics and careers, each of you will have to work hard to nurture both unity and diversity in our society.

"The policies you create and implement must be done not in an ivory tower, but through strong connections and engagement with the community."

A passion for the community

If there is one thing in common among the five scholars, it is their passion for community service.

Until he was eight years old, Joshua Jesudason's spent his formative years in Papua New Guinea, where his parents did missionary work. He was home-schooled until he returned to Singapore. However, the experience of living in a rural village has shaped his world view, said the Anglo-Chinese Junior College student.

He said: "Despite the fact that people there were not well-to-do by our standards, we were still very welcome there. There was a very strong sense of openness and 'welcoming-ness' and even gratitude to my parents for doing literacy... work there.

"I remember one time, despite the fact that these people were eating like potatoes three meals a day, seven days a week -- out of the blue sometimes, they'll just come over to my parents' house where they lived and they'll just give us a chicken...

"It's a really big deal to them because it's something that is not in their normal diet and it's something that they could feed their family with and they just give it out of gratitude to my parents for being there.

"You see how small things like that can mean so much to them and yet they're still willing to sacrifice that. And in the setting of a place where there's no supermarkets, there's no convenience stores, it really changes your perspectives and how you see people. And I think that's really what has shaped me up to today."

Joshua's parents' involvement in community work has also seeded his interest in public service. He will be heading to the University of Oxford in UK to study history and politics on a Singapore Police Force (SPF) Overseas Scholarship.

Similarly inspired by her parents, Stephanie Siow from Raffles Institution remembers a rough period in secondary school when her mother was ill.

Stephanie Siow, who was awarded an Overseas Merit Scholarship (Open), said: "Even though she had this illness, she didn't stop there -- her life really just moved on from it, she went for the treatment and recovered. So when she recovered, she actually turned around to help other patients, and now she's a counsellor in various hospitals.

"I think it's this kind of attitude that I really want to emulate and she has really modelled this way for me. If I face any setbacks in the future, if I can help the people around me, I would really want to do so. So I really think my mum is my role model."

Stephanie will major in Economics at Yale University in the US, and she hopes to be involved in economic or social policy work when she returns to Singapore.

I Naishad Kai-ren, who was also from Raffles Institution, remembers a community service programme he took part in which involved Tanglin School, which is for students with intellectual disabilities.

When the plan to teach the Tanglin School students drama did not pan out, Naishad and his friends decided to give the students lessons on life skills instead.

He said: "Throughout those lessons that we held with them, what struck us was that we are very blessed to be born with the faculties that we are born with. And many of them are just like you or me, just that they haven't been as blessed as we have been.

"So we learnt that for us, having been endowed with these faculties, we need to play a larger role in society. We really need to give back because we have so many opportunities to develop ourselves, and it's really about thinking of the greater good than just about the individual."

Naishad went on to organise his own projects, including initiating Raffles Community Day, a day dedicated to community service.

He will study liberal arts at Brown University in the US on an Overseas Merit Scholarship (Open).

The other two President's Scholars will read law in the UK. Timothy Yap from Hwa Chong Institution will head to the University of Oxford under the Singapore Police Force Overseas Scholarship.

Scott Ang from Anglo-Chinese School (Independent), who is the only Singapore Armed Forces scholar among the five President's Scholars, is going to the University of Cambridge. 

- CNA/ac, source link: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/five-youths-awarded/779686.html

In this article, a junior from my old school is awarded the President's Scholarship.
And this bright guy signed up to serve in the police force.
I can't imagine any of Malaysia's brightest talents going into the Malaysian police force.
Yet this is what Singapore intentionally does. They are pretty effective in planning for succession.

And notice also that this article did not discuss much about their achievements, as much as it discussed about the passion for the people.

I remember reading a book on leadership, where someone asked Lee Kuan Yew what kept the leadership so strong - and he said "Sacrifice". I think here when he says sacrifice, it's not just about the material things (because these bright people can probably develop much more profitable careers outside civil service, but can't enjoy some luxuries due to the less competitive nature of this career), it really is about the political effects on their own private lives (because they are now given a spotlight as "caretakers" of the nation, and so will their children suffer from having their every move watched - and being unable to make mistakes, i.e. problems of being a mini-celebrity). There are many ways to serve the nation without becoming a policymaker, without losing the luxuries. But I guess when the opportunity comes, when the talents match, it is like a calling to serve in this capacity.

Anyway when I read what GIC looks for in its applicants, it says: Values.
And when I read S. R. Nathan's biography, in the toughest moments, he comes back to the question: "what am I here for?" And then he keeps going, at serving the people in the capacity that he could - as a social worker to the marine people. (I did not know he graduated with just a Sociology degree.) His ability to handle people problems well, his humility, his simple way of life, his ability to connect his work to the core question of "what am I here for?" as a servant for God even as he holds his leadership position and influence are things I'd remember.

The Singapore government clearly looks beyond performance, into the person's character, on top of the person's competency, in recruitment. 


Hmm since I read a few books on leadership, maybe I should summarize some of the key points in this blog.
Hmm, some keywords will definitely be: integrity, servant heart, humility, tenacity, major on the major, passion, selfless, being rather than doing, appreciative, gentle, respectful.

What does Christianity say about non-Christians?

To those who like to ask me, "What does Christianity say about non-Christians?", I think C. S. Lewis answers this question best. 

Here is another thing that used to puzzle me. Is it not frightfully unfair that this new life should be confined to people who have heard of Christ and been able to believe in Him? But the truth is God has not told us what His arrangements about the other people are. We do know that no man can be saved except through Christ; we do not know that only those who know Him can be saved through Him. But in the meantime, if you are worried about the people outside, the most unreasonable thing you can do is to remain outside yourself. Christians are Christ’s body, the organism through which He works. Every addition to that body enables Him to do more. If you want to help those outside you must add your own little cell to the body of Christ who alone can help them. Cutting off a man’s fingers would be an odd way of getting him to do more work.

From Mere Christianity
Compiled in A Year with C.S. Lewis

Taken from today's ODB.org

Benedict Cumberbatch

Haha. I find this actor interesting.

When asked what he wished he was asked;

I often feel in interviews people should ask about the culture and people that I engage with as an audience rather than the same bio or personal life details. Rough with the very, very smooth, these are high class problems. The best interviews evolve like conversation. They're not lead by journalists that are seeking to thrill their editor with predictable copy and questions that are basically answers. Sadly, that's the norm. But there are exceptions which sometimes make it worthwhile.

When asked "Is fame different from how you imagined it would be?"

You can't imagine fame. You can only ever see it from an outsider and comment on it with the rueful wisdom of a non participant. When it happens to you, it doesn't matter what age or how, it is a very steep learning curve. The imprtanot thing to realize in all of it is that life is short, to protect the ones you love, and not expose yourself to too much abuse or narcissistic reflection gazing and move on. If fame affords me the type of ability to do the kind of work I'm being offered, who am I to complain about the downsides. It's all relative. And this are obviously very high class problems. The way privacy becomes an every shrinking island is inevitable but also manageable and it doesn't necessary have to get that way... 

Source: reddit

Fighter

“My colleagues and I are of that generation of young men who went through the Second World War and the Japanese Occupation and emerged determined that no one–neither Japanese nor British–had the right to push and kick us around. We determined that we could govern ourselves and bring up our children in a country where we can be proud to be self-respecting people.”
- Lee Kuan Yew, “The Battle for Merger” (1961).

LKY has such a fighting spirit.

Excerpt from The Last Battle

Lo! in a narrow place between two rocks there came to meet me a great Lion. . . . He was more terrible than the Flaming Mountain of Lagour, and in beauty he surpassed all that is in the world even as the rose in bloom surpasses the dust of the desert. Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honor) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than to be Tisroc of the world and live and not to have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, ‘Son, thou art welcome.’ But I said, ‘Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash.’ He answered, ‘Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me.’ Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true, as the Ape said, that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand, Child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand. But I said also (for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days. Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.”

From The Last Battle
From C.S.Lewis Daily Devotional

Inferiority complex quote

"Both people crippled by inferiority feelings and those who have superiority complexes are centered on themselves, obsessed with how they look and how that are being perceived and treated. It would be easy to help someone out of an inferiority complex into a superiority complex and leave them no better furnished to live life well… There is the essence of sin, according to the Bible [2 Cor. 5:15] - living for ourselves, rather than for God and the people around us."

— Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (New York: Penguin Group, 2011), p.63

 

Hmm. Self-awareness is good. God-awareness is even better.

Things to note while comforting self or others.

Changing lanes, changing lives: Excerpts

Reading Corinna Lim's story.. (previously a lawyer)

Corinna's highlighted quote:

"I always knew that this was thething that energised me the most - doing AWARE work, the discussions that we had in AWARE on issues, making a difference, helping an individual woman get out of a violent situation. I could do it for hours and not feel tired."

"She also likes the environment she works in. "This is not the corporate world, so it's a warmer human environment. Relationships seem a lot more real in a non-corporate setting. Maybe it's me, but in a corporate setting, I always felt that I had to have a certain mask on. I couldn't relax, to be myself. There's a certain persona, all these things that are expected of you. While you're in there, you don't really feel it, but having stepped out of it, you do."

"Most of all, she said, the work is fun, has high impact, and there is absolutely nothing she misses from the corporate sector."

"Before shifting to a non-rpofit full-time, Corinna recommends that they increase their volunteering activities.... provides a better understanding of how to manage the organisation... help with making sure the person understands that the sector works differently.... While there's a certain amount of professionalism, she said levels of expertise and standards can be lower, so people from the corporate world would need to make an adjustment... politics...People are measured by recognition or how much influence they have, rather than by money, so politics can be high in non-profits.... Having the right skill set also matters a lot... they also have to have that management experience."

Changing lanes, changing lives: Why did I read this book

As I dwelt on the question of what sort of career I should pursue, I came to this book:
"Changing lanes, changing lives: How leaders made a meaningful career switch from corporates to non-profits" by Richard Hartung.

Why did I read this book?

Well, I am "in-between-jobs". And one sister told me I should consider doing humanitarian work.

I realized that I can live with a simple lifestyle. With little prospect of marrying and starting a family, I think that I can do a work that I find meaningful and enjoyable. Poverty, income inequality, and a lack of financial intelligence struck a chord with me. It seemed one of the most obvious injustice in this world which affected people's life in many other areas. So I think that this might be an area I would like to contribute in.

At one point I did think that poverty was not necessarily a bad thing, because it does help some families to realize what is most important in life (God, or at least His major gifts: love, family), even if they did not see it that way. Their position, and their knowledge of these things makes them more fortunate than wealthy people. As Jesus said, it is easier for the poor person to enter the kingdom of God than a rich person. It seemed a little insensitive to say that the poor can continue to be poor, that it does not matter that much. But hey, when God Himself came to earth, he did not overturn income inequality. I take it to mean that the injustice that we observe around us has a part to play in His grand plan. Jesus did not stop injustice, but He showed compassion, and blessed those who were poor, and asked those who are wealthy to give all they have to the poor.

I think it is one thing to give all my money to the poor. But that can be foolish when I can contribute better in other ways. I do not think that money is necessarily what the poor needs. They need the talents of talented people. For example, improving operational efficiency once can be much more helpful than a whole year's funding. Making non-profits work better, reach out better, and help better using my brain, rather than my money can be better.

Then again, I am not sure how much I can contribute in this sector non-monetarily. Is this a place to learn skills: people, management, efficiency as I grow? I think that a private sector is more likely to be more challenging and hence would teach me more about the world. I also think that I know too little regarding corporations to be able to handle anything much. I might be wasting my education in actuarial studies as well. In any case I also do not know much about non-profits. Should I just get going with something?

So I chose to read this book when I passed by it in the library recently.
Now that was a LONG explanation for why I chose to do this book.
The SHORT explanation is that I wanted to know whether it is a good idea to work in non-profits, and if yes, when.

LKY on Xi Jinping

Reading the TIME Magazine.  February 4, 2013
Lee Kuan Yew's insights on China...

"How should one assess new Communist Party chief Xi Jinping?
He has had a tougher life than [his predecessor] Hu Jintao. His father was rusticated, and so was he. He took it in stride, and worked his way up. It has not been smooth sailing for him. His life experiences msut have hardened him. He is reserved - not in the sense that he will not talk to you, but in the sense that he will not betray his likes and dislikes. There is always a pleasant smile on his face, whether or not you have said something that annoyed him. He has iron in his soul, more than Hu Jintao, who ascended the ranks without experiencing the trials and tribulations that Xi endured. He is a person with enormous emotional stability who does not allow his personal misfortunes or sufferings to affect his judgment. He is impressive."

Wah..

“And men go abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty waves of the sea, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the circuits of the stars, yet pass over the mystery of themselves without a thought.”

~n Augustine of Hippo

Quote on Critcism

Writing several years ago in the New York Times, Dwight Garner noted:

Criticism […] doesn't necessarily mean heaping scorn. It means making fine distinctions. It means talking about ideas, aesthetics and morality as if these things matter (and they do). It's at base an act of love.

Old songs

Listening to old songs
Kenny G, Jim Brickman, Whitney Houstan,  Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra
Songs an aunty called "too old" for the secondary school students

Looking through old photos
Finding the old me

The innocent child 
The simple desires of the heart
The simple habits and thoughts and feelings
In the big unknown world

Finding the thread that connects the different seasons
To examine the consistency
To guess what the big tapestry is like

Seeing what I did
and what was out of control
seeing how my life and other people's lives interconnected
and how God was over it all

In the hope of living well
in the hope of fulfilling the purpose for which I was made
to enjoy and glorify Him
something everyone had started on even before knowing Him
something I hope all the more to do in the years to come
with all of me.

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.

~ John Piper in Desiring God

Snippets of Bernanke's graduation address

"If you think that the bad or indifferent results that too often come out of Washington are due to base motives and bad intentions, you are giving politicians and policymakers way too much credit for being effective." (Hahaha)

"...Honest error in the face of complex and possibly intractable problems is a far more important source of bad results than are bad motives. For these reasons, the greatest forces in Washington are ideas, and people prepared to act on those ideas. Public service isn't easy. But, in the end, if you are inclined in that direction, it is a worthy and challenging pursuit. "

~ Ben Bernanke

Source: http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/06/ben-bernanke-to-princeton-grads-the-world-isnt-fair-and-you-all-got-lucky/276471/ 

Truth and comfort

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort, you will not get either comfort or truth, only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."
~ C S Lewis, Mere Christianity

ACJC's values, as imprinted on my mind, are:
Integrity,
Tenacity,
Passion,
In the Pursuit of Truth.

I did not understand the significance of the fourth value at the time.
And I remember asking my teachers about it, only to receive a dissatisfying answer.

Nevertheless, I am thankful that God led me through depths of despair, and to His peace, which transcends all understanding, and guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Nice Familial Song

So recently I've been listening to songs by Keith and Kristyn Getty. This one is called "A Mother's Prayer". :)

Flexibility

A Tembusu Fellow/Professor that I have bumped into many times at Tembusu commented that the one thing that stands out between students/colleagues at ivy league universities and Beijing/Asian universities is that:

On the negative side:
The U.S. ivy league/competitive students are exceedingly kiasu - they can argue with the professor for one whole day for merely one mark - when that kind of time can be spent in understanding the material better to gain perhaps 10 marks more in the final exam.

On the positive side:
They are flexible; they find a way to do whatever they want to get done. One roadblock? No problem, try something else. If no? Try something else. If no? Try something else. Repeat till mission accomplished.
Asian students/colleagues - upon hitting one roadblock, they wait for the superiors for further instructions, or for a solution.


I think Malaysians are a bit of both.
Look at the elections and the creativity of the Malaysian politicians.

Lol. I just hope everything goes safely,
that the people have some integrity and consideration for others in the midst of emotional turmoil.

 --
On a side note, I think it's about time I make some plans and stop eating the bread of idleness, which is very bland.

So many deaths

In spite of the limbo that I was busy going crazy in (I wish it would just stop!),
there's been so many deaths recently, it calls for some attention.

It started with the Boston bombings on 15 April - three dead, and 282 injured in a country that is generally regarded as safe, during a community, health-building activity. An activity I might've joined.

Then there was the woman from Petaling Jaya EFC, a friend's church, who died due to stab wounds while on a jog with her daughter, in a failed snatch-theft incident on 20 April. One of her daughters who was studying in Australia had to return home.

Then yesterday afternoon, 23 April, there was a suicide in NUS, 21 years old, Peter, someone who smiles often, who is part of the University Scholars Program which I seriously considered entering, who is involved in sports, who has a passion for writing and the arts.

It was also reported that yesterday morning, an NUS professor's wife was involved in an accident.

So many deaths. And so many have something similar with me.
1. Boston friends, Marathon.
2. Mother, Church going, jogger, daughter who studies in Australia and writes in a way that reminds me of past grief
3. Peter, NUS, stays in the block just next to mine, probably bumped into him in the dining hall, he smiles a lot
4. NUS professor's wife, bus, Clementi

Death, it warrants news reporting. It is the end of life. Yet it seems meaningless in a way.

In light of this series of deathly happenings, I think I should write about why I cannot commit suicide, in case it may inform those who consider it and Google it.
For death, is something I've mulled over, and over, and over; emotionally, and rationally. I don't think there will be an end to it. I firmly resolved that I should not and cannot commit suicide; no one should.

It's something to write about during my free time, after these exams are over!

Or maybe I should write them now, when I don't feel like studying despite barely working on anything in the past week, when I'm in the state of limbo.

Limbo

I don't care about anything.

I'm in Limbo!

THESIS DUE SOOOOOON!

Anybody wanna read my thesis?

Psychology article

Your Phone vs. Your Heart,
By BARBARA L. FREDRICKSON, Published: March 23, 2013 in New York Times

I remembered a time when I felt like I was 'dead'.

I'm thankful that God inserted people who had the patience to 'revive' and walk with me.

And perhaps that experience reminded me the need to have patience and to have hope even in the people who appear  'dead' and inhuman or robotic or cold, boring, and lifeless.

I find it a difficult thing- connecting, and reaching out to others - whether family, friends, or acquaintances.
And find more than expected..
 
And it's probably important to remember that fuel comes not from these connections themselves.

But from .... what do you think?

A Letter from a Devil's Apprentice

 

The Wormwood Letters: A Crash Course in Screwtapery

My dear Snagheel,

It is my deliciously nefarious privilege to offer you the following summary of the strategies that have been used most effectively by your fellow tempters in this present age, two thousand years since our Enemy walked the earth in human form. I learned many of these basic principles from Screwtape, my ingenious tutor, but I have updated and added to them for your benefit. When my time-consuming current assignment in Philadelphia has ended, I will endeavor to compose for you a more complete handbook of letters, to assist you in your significant, if not happy, business.

To begin with a time-honored method: Prompt your human subjects to suppose that we do not exist. Build upon the helpful groundwork laid by the scientific empiricism of the modern age, and capitalize on the tendencies of their own hearts to think that nothing exists but what they can see, touch, or experience emotionally.

If they do believe we are real, trick them into thinking we are grotesque, slobbering monsters, rather than sly and subtle tempters. If they should discover that our master appears as an angel of light, for instance, they may become far too skeptical and discerning for their own good.

Entice them to forget that we are at war with the Enemy and with their own souls. Our most powerful weapons in this regard are the various entertainment media, of course. If you can get them to absorb large amounts of the television, movies, music, and netfare we inspire, you will most likely succeed on that count alone. And you will most certainly be successful if you can get them to do this mindlessly, without recognizing the subtle and not-so-subtle temptations and lies imbedded in their "fun."

If they do recognize the reality of spiritual warfare, try to divert them into perverse variations and additions to what the Enemy has enjoined upon them in his loathsome Book. Encourage them to think they should talk to us, "bind" us, "cast us out," or resort to ritualistic prayer formulas. You will find, if given the enviable opportunity, that there are few enjoyments greater than willfully suspending your influence on a human subject when a well-meaning friend "binds you" or "casts you out." This amusing frolic leaves the friend thinking he has power over us, while the subject has been "delivered" by some other means than his own repentance.

Remember the power of "little sins" like pride, gossip, laziness, and judgmentalism. As Screwtape so elegantly instructed me, time and again, the usefulness of these lies in the fact that a subject's life can be utterly filled with them, while he continues to be esteemed by others and think of himself as a godly man.

If the hairless apes do become agitated at their own sins, quickly offer them alternate explanations for why they have done wrong. Do not allow them to accept personal responsibility for their crimes against the Enemy, because from there they may stagger closer to his cross (which is the last place we want them to go). Toward this end, you can supply them with numerous excuses, drawn from the infinite well of modern psychological theory.

If those excuses fail for some reason, and they look toward religion for absolution and forgiveness, encourage them in this pursuit. But, as I already said and will say a thousand more times, keep them away from the cross at all costs. Non-Christian religions are ideal, most forms of Christianity are acceptable, and even evangelical Christianity will pose no problem as long as they think the Enemy is saving and forgiving them because of something that they do, and not because of his free, undeserved grace. We have made great inroads into the once formidable evangelical church by suggesting that making a "decision" or saying a prayer somehow moves the Enemy to bestow his grace. We have so successfully obscured the meaning of the word faith that even many of his captains are misusing it. I shall write more of this glorious victory in the future, but for now it suffices to say that any way of "salvation" that bypasses the cross, even slightly, is highly desirable. Like the pilgrim in that infamous and repulsive old book by John Bunyan, your subjects will most surely lose their burdens of sin and guilt if they are allowed to hear and understand what Jesus was doing on that most despised of all days. We have lost far too many promising subjects when the Spirit of the Enemy has made use of such learning, turning them away from all self-reliance and turning their hearts toward him in trust and love.

Finally, Snagheel, permit me to summarize my summary by saying that your goal should be to turn their attention away from the person of Jesus Christ, by any means available. Tempt them to focus on themselves and the world around them, or even on doctrines about Christ, benevolence in his name, or other things that are not bad in themselves. Though they might be "good" things, they fortunately can become "bad" when they distract from the one at his right hand. When such distractions fail, and the humans take the time to sit at their Savior's feet, he invariably demonstrates a frustrating ability to win their hearts completely. He becomes so awe-inspiring and beautiful to them that they willfully and cheerfully become his servants forever. Then for us, all hope is lost.

Affectionately yours,

Your uncle WORMWOOD

Credits/Source: Dave Swavely

"Readers are advised to remember that the devil is a liar. Not everything that Screwtape says should be assumed to be true even from his own angle. "

C.S. Lewis - The Screwtape Letters

Not enough quotes?

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. - C.S. Lewis (The Weight of Glory)

"Faith like Job's cannot be shaken because it is the result of being shaken." - Rabbi Abraham Heschel 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:33 (NIV) 

Mundus vult decepi, ergo decipiatur - the world wishes to be deceived, and therefore is deceived




The above quotes are sentiments I share.

**

 I just remembered what the guy at the forum said, that when a nobel prize-winning behavioral psychologist came to Singapore to assess its leaders on an invitation, the psychologist commented that they were probably the most brilliant group of people he was amongst. However they also had one of the lowest compassion scores. 

Lol. This, I think, is a very good description of many 'intelligent' people.

But again, I shouldn't alienate or be intimidated by them, as I tend to do. They're people too. 
I think Australia taught me that.
It reminds me of how a friend frankly told me she thought of me as 'an academic person' and implied that I therefore have little emotion. 
Hahaha. I think that I just don't show them in most situations, although I really want to show it, it is usually not drawn out, or possibly inappropriate. More often the former. 

I fear becoming a robot. I'm already called "The Machine". Sadly. But I think I may be as impersonal as impersonal can be, and therefore in return, I have impersonal friends. I want to talk about things beyond academics with some friends I'm relatively comfortable with, but they have no care for these concerns. Sigh. And with friends who only care about the most random things, I tend to spend too little time with them, for various reasons?. Sigh. 

I miss serving in OCF. I miss some of my closest friends there.
When I could share some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. 
And listen to theirs. And encourage them and be encouraged.
It usually is related to God, directly and indirectly. 
But now, who can I confide in? Who can I trust?

Playing the organ, reminds me of my humanity. 
The introductions, the journey, the conflict, the turn, and the close of music.
Like going through an entire movie in five minutes.
Like dancing on the keyboard with the music.
Whereby you're definitely on time with the tune, as you play the notes.
Which gives the music an extra kick and influence.

How I miss the organ. 
And some of the things of the past.
And yet, I know I will not be satisfied even if I relived the past.  


It seems like I need to change things in my life. 
I need to grow.
Life as it is, is going to be terrifyingly miserable.


I want change.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Quotes and an aimless monologue

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

“We think sometimes we're only drawn to the good, but we're actually drawn to the authentic. We like people who are real more than those who hide their true selves under layers of artificial niceties”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living 


Some selected quotes.

I like the first one a lot.
A nice perspective for looking at difficulties, to have hope, even when there seems to be no purpose to it.

Some say life's purpose is to be happy. Some say it's success. These two notions are very vague, as it really depends on how one defines what makes you happy and what is success. Here I'll look at three common perspectives on the main party to be concerned with.

When one sees life's purpose as for oneself, it sometimes seem meaningless, disappointing, and unfair.
When one sees life's purpose as relationships and people, it is relatively meaningful, but can be disappointing, as all will die, and it becomes meaningless again.
When one sees life's purpose as relationship with a God, who is forever, it can feel confusing and like, for real? But I take a serious look here, because it is the only end goal that is meaningful, the only one that makes the journey worth it, the only one that gives hope that life is fair, only one that lasts.

Many say that we don't know God, and can never know God. True, we'll never really know until we meet God face to face, but that doesn't mean He wouldn't let us to begin to know Him now.  Sure, there are many religions to confound us (the Devil is quite successful), and perhaps the intention is similar across religions, but I think if we earnestly seek the truth, we will find the God beyond the religions, who in my opinion, based on evidence, has revealed Himself through Jesus.

This is what Paul, an apostle, said to the Greeks who had many gods they made up, .

²² Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. ²³ For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

²⁴ “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. ²⁵ And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. ²⁶ From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ²⁸ ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’^[b] As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

²⁹ “Therefore since we are God’s offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by human design and skill. ³⁰ In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. ³¹ For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to everyone by raising him from the dead.”

Source: Acts 17

Nope, I don't have to begin to know God here on earth. And sure I can ignore Him and His judgment till the minute I die, perhaps. 

But I'd be missing out. 

Just as people want to begin their relationship with their ((insert "soul mate" or best friends, or family, or whoever)) ASAP, to avoid missing out on sharing good and bad times together, on listening to what each thinks of anything in the world,

so it is with God.

Missing out on the joy of the intimacy with God from an earlier time is like part of the God's judgment. 

But I find this earnest search so difficult to endeavour.

It takes up so much will-power. 

For I know that God calls me to change soo much!

I give up. and go my own way, into "default mode" all the time. 

And so I hate life now. I want to live the moment. But I can't instruct myself.

And I know it is partly my indifference to change.

I should know better. Theoretically I do, I suppose.

But my real, emotional self will not surface. It doesn't force me to move. Why so stubborn?

Why? I have a guess, and I dare not admit the answer.

Sigh. I need help, I know the source, and that it will come, but I don't know how that help will come, or what form it would take, or when it will arrive.

Till then,

not-very-patiently waiting.