A give up rant

Ahhh. Reset tools are not working.

I like stuff that soften hard hearts. 

Right now I think the heart is hard (alert: prepare to fall hard).

I think (hope) I am close to getting a good enough job offer and I am neglecting interview preparation for a possibly very good job. Sigh.

I have no more spirit. No more energy. It has been two weeks. 10 days worth of annual leave! How am I going to survive when I get back to work?

I just want to give up and maybe not exist.

I have not been exercising/practicing the spiritual disciplines. I think this lethargy is one of the consequences.

Give up. Give up. Give up. If only I never existed. I would not have to go through all this pain and struggle. It is not a fight I have chosen to be in. I know this struggle, this fight is normal. But I never chose to be in the normal.

Perhaps by writing these negative thoughts down, thoughts might become clearer. Maybe?

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In a story, there should be  a beginning, a conflict, the fight, and a good ending/conclusion.

I don't even want to write or think through things to write a good story.

I just want to give up.

To give up on giving thanks. To give up on trying to turn things around without anyone else's support. To give up on finding a better way to work and learn. To give up on this job search. To give up on entertaining or encouraging or listening to the people around me. To give up on looking for inspiration. To give up on friends and family and everything.

I'm just so tired I want to give up so much of the time.

Patience they say. Perseverance they say. Maybe not they say, but I say.

No.

Actually.

The Lord said so.

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Should I keep trying just because the Lord said so?

Some part of me says that this journey is an adventure. That each day is a gift, a new way to spend time - whether on entertainment (I liked watching Revolutionary Love recently... a lot of the underlying values, the rich/poor cultural dissonance, the senior management and average employee work relationship, the covering for colleagues' vulnerabilities, the mini-miracles, the team spirit - resonates with the real stories I heard or experienced. ) or on work and people.

I just feel like there's no possibly happy future for me. I look around, and I am like, nope, I don't really want any of these things.

Sometimes I wish I took up that earlier job offer - would have provided some financial security, would have received a senior HR manager's mentoring advice.

I have no desire for the startup job, though it paid better.

I think I am just very elitist.

But anyone who has tasted good stuff, just don't want to go back to the bad stuff.

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I'll go take a shower, and maybe try to rewire my obviously flawed thinking.

Sometimes, it just feels like no one is going to help me rewire.

Or those that do, may not help in the best way.

I suppose that's why I am supposed to figure things out - in a way that fits my story.

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Tired. Shower. Be right back. Maybe.