Reflections on a grand wedding weekend

I enjoy grand weddings! Usually the venue, the food, the presentation, etc are pretty.

Draws both admiration and envy.

I feel that the way they organize the wedding events are often a reflection of their personalities.

Some don't talk much, but appreciate luxury and grandeur.

Some talk a lot and are more fun, under-appreciate guests' comfort.

Some talk deep stuff in a boring way.

Some talk mundane stuff in an interesting way.

Some dance and dramatize.

Some remain so still.

Anyway, it was nice.
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Am still rethinking whether I should proceed to go to a new friend's wedding. I really don't know. Should I go or not?
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I miss Hope. Accidentally called for Hope at home. And mummy reminded me he's gone. I miss calling Hope.
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Thank God for creating  fond memories.
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I thought I was going to nail today's behavioral interview. I completely screwed it up. I was so long-winded and cluttered. Content was fine. Delivery wasn't fine. I hope it does not become a deal breaker. It could. I don't know.
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Remembering that a colleague mentioned that my best quality was honesty is a comforting thing.
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Whatever the case, lessons learned. Thoughts expressed. Onward!

Reflections on abuse and closed communities

Observations

"Tan told Annie’s colleague that she was “fully OK", that she was acting “like a child", and that she tended to “exaggerate over small issues”. - An extract from a news article on a legal abuse case.

Also recently read a TGC article about a documentary on Hasidic Jews' insular community - and the people who left these closed cultures with pain and trauma.

Reflections

From a psychological perspective, it is another case of denying feelings, pretending things are fine, which slows progression to a true peaceful solution.

Used to wonder why people did not just leave or do the right thing. Now I appreciate how limited their emotional/mental capacity must have been. Both abuser and victim. 

Shall remember what God has inspired plenty of people to do despite sin. Schools and churches were set up to educate people, to stem sin and ignorance and pain.

Psalm 84:11

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

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*blameless = upright = with integrity

Remembering God's promises
in times of uncertainty,
to change fear to faith.

Writing

I'm so glad
Just to be back in a place
Where I desire to write and feel comfortable with writing online.

Liberty
Flow

I love words a lot more this year.
Words that are chewed and savoured.

Not every place is like this.
There are places where only the meaning behind the choice of words should be smelled.
But the words had to be disposed
Or be prepared
Eat knives

Reflections

Looking at some of my old friends profiles.
Was reminded of days when there was a certain kind depth in our weekly reflections together.
Often, there was a depressive undertone, a sadness, a cynicism

We empathise, sometimes
We build up each other, sometimes
Other times, we do not
Especially, when forgotten
The group is too big isn't it

Regardless
I appreciate the authenticity,
the courage, discipline, integrity
the purity of heart and mind
that gives a certain kind of rest to the soul
the sense of true surrender to God
with the reality of how things are.

No hiding, avoiding
Fear leaves the soul, the heart, restless
While giving an appearance of rest

And then there are friends
Who say they are happy with the superficial
The superficial is enough, they say

Perhaps in my melancholy
It may seem like I have looked past the superficial
As I yearned for more.

It feels like only when I fulfilled the deep need
Then only can I appreciate the superficial
Both are beautiful

Labor
Rest
Both are beautiful
In a certain kind of
Order
Proportion

Prioritize what is said

I notice some crowds are keen to hear me out at times. Some crowds have limited bandwidth.

In cases of limited bandwidth, it becomes a decision of

- saying more things that hit some of the right notes - enough to make up for the noise.

- saying less things that have a higher chance of hitting the right notes - this is sometimes by trial and error, sometimes by reexamining what I wanted to say.

Living and Trying and Failing and Failing and Being Alive

Sometimes.
It's easier to just give up. And take the conventional way. To be lazy. To be comfortable.
But no. I must get up. And stop being lazy. Try a different approach. And work hard at the new approaches, with the new lessons and feedback.

Sometimes.
It's easier to be quiet. To not bother about articulating or relating well. To follow "built-in" strengths and weaknesses. To not bother with change.
But then - I'd never be alive.

Sometimes.
I wish there was a certain kind of community of people I could lean on.
And then I realized I had to change the way I recharged.
And people take time to process.

Progress. Time. Money. Budget.

I like to recall.
That time of bold confession.
With no expectation or sense of entitlement.
Felt shy and awkward sometimes.
But worth it for the progress.
For the liberty.
For the truth released.
For failure.
For richer perspective.
For the reframe.
For having lived.