I was on an expedition with some friends. It was a mixed bunch of girls and guys, Singapore and Malaysia friends. None of my family/sisters were there.We had to keep on going and going and going in this expedition. I don't remember why we couldn't take a break. We were exhausted but there was nobody wanted to take a break. It's as though we'll lose/die once we stop. We didn't think about it. We just had to go on and on.
Due to exhaustion and injury, some of us half-died/HP=0 but were somehow able to keep on moving. We weren't too bothered about it either. We just kept walking.
There was this last task of swimming about 50 m to a cave, which was like a clothes shop. The clothes inside were arranged like in Padini. But it wasn't a shop. There were no signboards. We had to find and take some things amongst the clothes. I remember searching and searching. And finding some of the things. We were searching as a group. I forgot what were the things. Some 'half-died' here in this clothes cave. I was still alive, but my HP was close to zero.
Then we finally found all that we wanted and left the cave.
We swam back to the shore, where we finished the race (or was it expedition?). Then, a guy who resembles Ryan Seacrest said, "Ok. Done. You have finished. Those whose HP=0 can go/die." I ngam ngam die when I reached. Funnily, no one was upset about dying. We were kind of relieved actually. More at peace.
The shore was not a beach. It was like a swimming pool where you have to climb and pull yourself up to get out. Those who were still alive got out of it. Some of the 'half-dead' decided to not climb over the shore, and instead just float on their backs, face the bright yellowish sky, and die. I decided that I didn't want my body to rot in the seawater. (Okay, I wasn't very good just floating like that either.) So I climbed over the shore and lied on my back and relaxed/slept/died.
Then I woke up.
But an uneasy feeling remained until I typed this dream here.
**
This is the first time I'm typing out one of the weirdest, nonsensicalest dreams I have ever had.
I usually don't die in my dreams.
Then again, I usually don't remember my dreams.
Maybe this is because, while reading a book, I was encouraged to imagine my funeral, and imagine how I would like my eulogy to be - by family/friends/colleagues/strangers. I tried to. This was supposed to help me reveal what I truly valued and wanted in the end. At first, I imagined the nicest things. Then, when I retried, I didn't care what people said of me, it was just blank.
What difference would it make if anyone was dead/alive. Maybe, once we die, we just disappear? What happens to the soul? Maybe it just becomes nothingness, like the way the world (maybe) formed from nothingness. So why bother? How did the idea of heaven and hell come about? How did all the religions form? Why are people so passionate about their beliefs? Why care? Why is there an earth? Why is there existence? How? Why? What made it? What made the answer to the previous question? Oops, it's a recursive question that knows no end.
**
Maybe I shouldn't have read the book. As I was bogged by this, this existential crisis, it made me unable to give any sort of evidence of 'intellectual curiosity' during the interview two days ago.
**
In the end, all those existential questions don't matter while we are alive, because it's not something that we can act on. It's not something that will necessarily make a huge change the way we look at things. So let's not care about how the world came about. We all know we live and we die. We can work with just that.
Among all religions, the Christian one appeals to me with the way life came about, and the way God is the beginning and the end of everything. It's like an answer to this 'infinity'ness. Some people can live without that answer. I just think that since this answer fits the puzzle, even though I cannot prove it is the correct piece, I believe it is the answer. So I'll work with this too. It's even better by a lot.
**
And BTW, I just thought about this -- there's no such thing as 'meaning in life'. Life is a noun, like the way a chair is a noun. There is things the chair can do, like be a place you can put your butt on, or put the computer on, or rock with, or dump all the books at. There is no 'meaning in a chair'. There is no meaning in a tree or a flower or whatever. There is no meaning in people or animals or pets. There is no meaning in life. It's just a wrong construct of words. Life is but something through which we sense, we think, we act, we feel. There is importance of life to each life. There is happiness when we see a life made better. Yup. So it's happiness, or importance of life, not meaning in life.
Okay okay. I just dictionary-ed 'meaning', it also means 'significance' (i.e. importance), it doesn't only mean 'maksud' (I can't find another English word for it, so have to use Bahasa Melayu.). So the 'meaning in life' means 'significance in life'. Okay. Maybe that's like super obvious to some people. But it wasn't for me. It made my mind focus on the wrong angle. So I'll just post it up and remember my stupidity at this point in time.
**
This is just one queer yet amusing post.
Okay. I actually can type sommo wan, I feel like this is an incomplete post. I wanna write sommo wan. But I think can continue later. Because now I wanna go exercise liao. Because now I feel very unfit liao. Hahaha. Okok. Bbye.
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